Life has a funny way of humbling you just when you think you’ve got it all together. 

It has been one week in the new place half a country away. The best words to describe this week would be turmoil, heartache, uncertainty, sadness, and love. You must think we made a mistake if these are the only descriptive words I can find. To be honest, there have been some real moments when we thought it was. Yesterday was one of those moments. The hard truth is that this move took more from us than we expected and we showed up with less than we anticipated. God is good though, and whatever troubles we are having we find strength and hope in Him…as difficult as it is sometimes. 

I could so easily name off all of physical things that went wrong in this last week, and a part of me really wants to! Alas, I threw my pity party yesterday. My husband crashed that party. He sat there in silence for most of it, but his words weren’t needed, his presence was. I understand what it is to go through some seriously hard stuff. I believe the Lord made me for difficult things; I’m just hoping he gave me some ability to relax into easier things as well. We’ll see. Back to the story – I know how to trudge but I generally do not inflict my drudgery onto other people. 

Yesterday I was afflicted with the guilt of having dragged my husband across the country, away from all he knows for much less than we bargained for. We got a nice house on a beautiful, wooded plot of land, but we did not get the shop we needed/wanted. What it boils down to is that we had this idea of what it would look like to move here. My husband would be semi-retired, I would have an adorable, successful little shop in town, and we would have this great house. You know, because real estate is so much cheaper here. The latter part is true, it is, but not as cheap as it was a couple of years ago when we started playing with this idea. Playing being the operative word.

I learned something about my dearest over the last few months that I am still trying to…what’s the word…translate? Absorb? Ah, I know, to get in sync with. Turns out, my love does not like to plan things. Apparently, he’s been living his life as it comes for many years now. He had a beautiful marriage, a successful business, and built a great reputation for himself in the vintage car world. Then it all fell apart a few years ago with the death of his wife. Now, he is married to a, shall we say audacious and resolute, woman who needs a plan. 

I like to know where I’m headed and, if possible, how I am going to get there. This wasn’t always the case but that changes after raising a child with special needs. You learn to look a few steps ahead so as to make a plan for goals to reach and the inevitable problem. For our Mississippi move I wanted to find a place to live and to work at the same time. I wanted to live in a specific town because it reminded me of my beloved Weiser. I wanted what I wanted and a plan that would give it to me. Can you see where I went wrong? (If not then we should talk.) Now I sit with one but not the other, waiting as patiently as I can for my other half to wrap his head around our current situation so we can make a what? A PLAN! It’s fine, I’m fine. God has this wonderful way of working things out for our good and then some. 

Through all of this, my love never stopped holding my hand. He has been mad at me, frustrated with me, annoyed and otherwise perturbed with me but never once stopped loving me. Yesterday, I lived in fear that he had. It is, after all, what I know. If I am not doing something to please someone else and accepting the crumbs that fall from the table then I am not existing correctly. (That would be the damage that I am slowly undoing, but as I always say, that is a story for another time.) I was exceedingly worried that I had gone too far this time and would live the rest of my life with a person bitter and resentful towards me. Just thinking that makes my gut turn and the tears threaten. 

Thank the good Lord, and my husband, I am loved more than that. Nothing is going to “plan” right now and we’re having to figure things out a day at a time but we’re doing it together. It breaks my husband’s heart to hear this, but I struggle to trust that he won’t disappear on me. To believe that I am not too much. How naive was I to think that I could go through an excruciating healing process and a life-altering move at the same time?Sometimes, I just don’t know anything about myself or where to draw the line.

Today is Sunday, which means I get to spend my day writing, reading, and researching. Hopefully tomorrow will bring insight into next steps but for today, it is coffee and quiet time. I bet ya can’t wait to see what next week brings! Me neither! 😬

Love ya,